Kidney Stones and Projectile Vomit

The kidney stone saga continues this week, which only means that instead of relaxation and all the undisturbed geeking out I imagined this week would be full of, I got pain, and more pain instead. You know how I always joke about projectile vomit being the closest alternative you could get to a mutant power? Well, hooray me. Wish granted!

The surviving family members of the kidney stone, which got flushed out of my system last week with the help of the Bangladeshi students, needed a good revenge plan. I mean, I was able to withstand the attack of their deceased relative the previous week, albeit with more drama than necessary, right? Unlike the previous attack, though, this one came after lunch, and as soon as I felt that another battle was about to unfold, I readied my Ganten bottle and stood on patrol next to the water dispenser. Brace yourself, here it goes.

I started filling and refilling the 500-ml bottle, emptying its contents down my throat, running to the bathroom to unleash all the liquid that my bladder would not keep, and then do it again and again. It was not until the fourth trip to the urinal when I felt some discomfort in the bladder area. Ah, yes. It is awesome how you get to know your body quite well during these times of pain and misery. After downing every bottle, I would visualize the water rushing down my esophagus, and then to the stomach, and then wherever else they had to go to before reaching the kidneys and the bladder.

With every 500 ml swallowed, I felt the pain move from my lower back, going somewhere I could not really tell. I am so going to win this battle. You kidney stones will all end up in some stinky Chinese sewer, and I will be going out in 15 minutes and jump rope under the sun because that is just how long it would take for me to flush you out of my damn system! HARHARHARHAR. And then I tried to empty my bladder once more. It was evidently full, but only small drops of urine would come out this time, along with the discomfort that would not leave the bladder area. What sorcery is this?

I did not gain my projectile vomit powers at once, because I still had to drink another liter as part of my body’s troubleshooting scheme. I get it. This particular stone might be that big that it did the most logical thing a kidney stone that won’t accept defeat would do. Block the ureter. I did not see this coming. Brilliant, kidney stone. Whoever your strategist is, would you give me his WeChat ID so I could bribe him to switch sides next time?

I just felt so bloated as I tried to drown myself with more water. That was when I felt some commotion rising from deep within, reaching my throat and causing me to react with mini swallowing motions that you do in vain to avoid throwing up. I held on to this defense tactic for a minute or two until it was no longer that easy to bear. I ran to the nearest toilet bowl and then threw up like some anorexic slut who just got out of rehab. Okay, too much details. Should I be more graphic? Fortunately, I only ate a piece of bread that morning, all of which ended up in some stinky Chinese sewer where the kidney stone should have gone. Unable to take a piss, I felt like I should retreat a bit, and retreat I did.

Exhausted from the battle, I decided to lie down a bit and reflect, perhaps meditate, so I could come up with a better strategy. This kidney stone is wise beyond its years. It caught me off-guard. Congratulations! I so hate you right now. Tried as I might to get some sleep, the pain was getting more and more intense for me to bear, which would then lead me to stand up and try my luck with the water dispenser again. Still unable to release water, I then got tag-teamed by the pain the moving stone caused and the discomfort of a full bladder.

I forced more water into my system but my body’s reaction was getting weirder and weirder. My vomit power leveled-up to a more volatile force to be reckoned with. If you have seen either The Exorcist or Scary Movie 2, you might have noticed how the possessed bodies would just have to open their mouths and expel all those puke without much effort. The intensity! The force! I felt like a level 92 expert anorexic ready for a grand showdown. Who needs a popsicle stick? Remember those days when you are with an annoying friend who just would not shut up, and you wished you could just face him with your mouth wide open and he’d get an impromptu shower? It was that scary. It could have been yucky, but at that point it was all H2O.

The battle continued for the rest of the afternoon, with my newfound superpower growing stronger every minute. Feeling empowered, however, was the last thing on my body’s to-do list that day. As the stone kept on moving, I felt more pain. Despite all the vomiting, the water that was already inside my bladder stayed there. How does that even work? I was hoping that my projectile puke would get rid of that too, but it didn’t. And then of course, all the vomiting was taking its toll on me. I felt all energy leaving my body as I became more dehydrated. You know how you cannot always use your superpower in RPGs because your MP would get drained? This is probably what it’s all about.

I accepted defeat and told myself that I should just sleep, no matter how painful. My eyes have joined the fray, shutting down on me, as if telling me, “Screw you guys, I’m going to take a nap.” And then I heard someone knock on the door. Two people. My friends came over to fetch me for Canadian Thanksgiving dinner, except that I was slouched on my bed, buried under a thick duvet and unable to say something coherent. Because these friends are not fake friends, they did not stop until we were on a disco cab headed to a hospital on Xiamen island.

The reason why the main campus hospital was chosen is because I have a scholarship, and along with it should come insurance, which in turn should cover hospitalization costs. According to some guidebook they found on the internet, any other hospital would not be honored if not approved first by this hospital. The trip took more than an hour. To give you an idea how far we are from modern civilization, the usual trip by public bus takes around an hour and a half thanks to the many stops along the way. Our disco cab ride took almost as much time because we found it hard, or rather, THEY found it hard (I was half unconscious mumbling some swear words in Haitian creole during the whole ride) to locate the hospital. When we finally got there, the said hospital would not admit us without paying a deposit, because somehow the nurse could not find my name on the database. Or maybe that happened after. Wait, do they even have a database?

One friend had to buy a Xiamen Resident Health Card for 100 kuai. My projectile powers have significantly weakened by this time, and I successfully expelled the last remaining drop of fluid in my body as we waited for the doctor to come. I have never felt so dehydrated my entire life. What happened next was a CT scan, which had to be done twice, which also meant having to pay for it twice for some reason that is left unclear to us until now. The good thing that came out of that is the confirmation that there was, indeed, an evil kidney stone wreaking havoc in my body. The doctor suggested that I get hospitalized but the nurse, who I suspected to be an accomplice of this evil kidney stone, would not admit us because we needed to deposit another 700 kuai. And so I mustered all my remaining strength, opened my mouth wide, and released a mega projectile vomit. On her face.

No, not really. Had I forced it, blood would have come out instead. I still had 300 kuai in my wallet. My other friend had 400. Put them together and you get 700. Hooray us! I did not know if they originally planned to hook me up to an IV. I know I surely needed those fluids. I settled in a room with a chatty Chinese guy who did not speak a word of English, and because my Mandarin is lacking, I really never gave a damn. Remember that I was already hooked to an IV by that time. All I could have answered him with was more projectile puke, and I guess he would not have liked that.

I stayed in that hospital for, like, three nights. I had to endure numerous butt shots and syringe attacks to the hand because of the IV. One nurse even gave me a bonus by transfiguring my left hand into an elephant’s paw. Something might have gone wrong when she injected that IV syringe because I felt so much pain despite all the painkillers that was already swirling around my system. And then I saw my hand swell, which led to the temporary halt of the IV session that particular morning.

Up to now I do not know if the kidney stone has come out yet. All I know is that the pain is gone. For now. For good?  I could only hope so. I am under medication for a week. No kitchen knives. No lasers. No anesthesia. And hopefully, no more projectile vomit. I’d love to get telekinesis, though. Can kidney stones give you that?

To my friends, I could not thank you guys enough. In the absence of family, I have found refuge in all of you. Now this is something to be thankful for in celebration of Canadian Thanksgiving!